Refresh Your Marriage Every Day With One Simple Thing

If you're living, breathing, and in love with your spouse, helping your marriage grow should be important to you.  Am I right?  I know I want to continue to see my relationship with my husband flourish every day.  I want him to still pursue me even though he has already captured my heart.  I want to learn more about him even though he thinks I know him better than anyone else.  Whether you're a newlywed or a 50-year veteran of the married life, I hope this is also your desire.

Now the question is ... what is this one simple thing addressed in the title of this post that will help me do this?  The answer is ... conversation.  MEANINGFUL conversation!  This is something my husband and I have to work at all the time.  It's easy to get into the rut of daily "small talk" when you're chasing a baby, cooking supper, doing laundry, throwing a muddy dog in the tub, etc.

I really liked an exercise in a workbook we used as part of our pre-marital counseling and thought it should be passed on.  The book we read was Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts by Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott.  The exercise is called "The Daily Temperature Reading."  The author suggests daily following these basic steps with your own unique style:

1. Appreciation.  Take turns expressing appreciation for something your partner has done.  Thank each other.

2. New Information.  In the absence of information, assumptions (often false ones) rush in.  Tell your partner something new ("We finally got a new account executive at work").  Let your  partner in on your life, and then listen to the news your partner shares.

3. Puzzles.  Take turns asking each other something you don't understand but your partner can explain: "Why were you so down last night?"  Or voice a concern about yourself: "I don't know why I got so angry while I was balancing the checkbook yesterday."

4. Complaint with Request.  Without being judgmental, cite a specific behavior that bothers you and state the behavior you are asking for instead.  "When you clean the top of the stove, please dry it with a paper towel.  If you don't it leaves streaks."

5. Hopes.  Share your hopes, from the mundane ("I hope we have sunshine this weekend") to the grandiose ("I'd really love to spend a month in Europe with you"). 1 

Take time to talk to your spouse every day.  Ask questions ... questions that don't call for just a "yes" or "no" answer.  If the hustle and bustle of work and family makes it difficult to have a good conversation, set aside a block of time each day and say, "This is OUR time to talk to each other and do nothing else."  Just make sure it's a good time for BOTH of you.  Don't do what I often try to do.  Many nights I try to talk to my hubby after we're already laying in bed with the lights out - he falls asleep within about 2 minutes and I'm left talking to myself.  This doesn't work out too well.

To end this post I'd like to share an excerpt from another mom's blog post titled "Save Your Relationships: Ask the Right Questions."  I found it both humorous and very true.

When Craig returned each day at 6:00 pm (he actually returned at 5:50 but took a STUNNINGLY LONG TIME TO GET THE MAIL) he’d walk through the door, smile, and say – “So! How was your day?”

This question was like a spotlight pointed directly at the chasm between his experience of a “DAY” and my experience of a “DAY.”  How was my day?

The question would linger in the air for a moment while I stared at Craig and the baby shoved her hand in my mouth like they do – while the oldest screamed, "MOMMY, I NEED HELP POOING," from the bathroom and the middle one cried in the corner because I "NEVER EVER EVER" let her drink the dishwasher detergent. "NOT EVER EVEN ONCE, MOMMY!!!" And I’d look down at my spaghetti stained pajama top, unwashed hair, and gorgeous baby on my hip – and my eyes would wander around the room, pausing to notice the toys peppering the floor and the kids’ stunning new art on the fridge . . .

And I’d want to say:

How was my day? Today has been a lifetime. It was the best of times and the worst of times. There were moments when my heart was so full I thought I might explode, and there were other moments when my senses were under such intense assault that I was CERTAIN I’d explode. I was both lonely and absolutely desperate to be alone. I was saturated - just BOMBARDED with touch and then the second I put down this baby I yearned to smell her sweet skin again. I was simultaneously bored out of my skull and completely overwhelmed with so much to do. Today was too much and not enough. It was loud and silent. It was brutal and beautiful. I was at my very best today and then, just a moment later, at my very worst. At 3:30 today I decided that we should adopt four more children, and then at 3:35 I decided that we should give up the kids we already have for adoption. Husband - when your day is completely and totally dependent upon the moods and needs and schedules of tiny, messy, beautiful rug rats your day is ALL OF THE THINGS and NONE OF THE THINGS, sometimes within the same three minute period. But I’m not complaining. This is not a complaint, so don’t try to FIX IT. I wouldn't have my day Any.Other.Way. I’m just saying- it’s a **** of a hard thing to explain - an entire day with lots of babies.

But I’d be too tired to say all of that. So I’d just cry, or yell, or smile and say “fine,” and then hand the baby over and run to Target to wander aisles aimlessly, because that’s all I ever really wanted. But I’d be a little sad because love is about really being seen and known and I wasn't being seen or known then. Everything was really hard to explain. It made me lonely.

So we went went to therapy, like we do.

Through therapy, we learned to ask each other better questions. We learned that if we really want to know our people, if we really care to know them – we need to ask them better questions and then really listen to their answers. We need to ask questions that carry along with them this message: “I’m not just checking the box here. I really care what you have to say and how you feel. I really want to know you.” If we don’t want throw away answers, we can’t ask throw away questions. A caring question is a key that will unlock a room inside the person you love. 2

Remember ... good communication is key in keeping your marriage healthy and happy.  So go try out what you've learned and share this with someone else!  

Sources:
1.  Les and Leslie Parrott, Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts: Workbook for Women (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2006), 39 
2.  Glennon Melton, "Save Your Relationships: Ask the Right Questions," January 16, 2014, <http://momastery.com/blog/2014/01/16/save-relationships-ask-right-questions/#comments>